


I'm Almost Me Again

by MaybeALilCringey (probablysecretlyawitch)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Cuddles, Fluff, I'm Bad At Tagging, Introspection, Late Night Conversations, Lots of Introspection And Then Cuddles, M/M, Sleepy Kisses, i guess, the mukbang video
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:53:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26432944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/probablysecretlyawitch/pseuds/MaybeALilCringey
Summary: Dan feels insecure like he hasn't in years. Phil reassures him.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 3
Kudos: 39





	I'm Almost Me Again

**Author's Note:**

> just so you're all aware this was not proofread. Set after the Pizza Mukbang. Title from Almost by Hozier (yes I am gay, no I'm not a lesbian)

It had been a long tour and it was exhausting editing the DVD, but now Dan could finally relax. They filmed the mukbang and it was a good change of pace to be able to just talk about something without planning it out. The pizza was delicious, and the stories would hopefully be entertaining to the viewers. At the very least they had a good time. It was getting late and even if it wasn't Dan would still be tired out of his mind, so it was decidedly time for bed. Dan didn't need to say anything to Phil. He just needed to get up off the couch and hold out his hand, and Phil got what he meant. Phil got up to and turned off the T.V. which had been playing the office (Phil had learned his lesson this time). The apartment was almost completely silent. As they went to get ready for bed, only their footsteps and the soft hum of the fridge filled the space. 

That was one of Dan's favorite parts about finishing a video with Phil. It took a lot of energy to be interesting and funny for the videos, so most often Dan and Phil would settle into a comfortable silence together for a few hours. Yes, they would put on a show or movie, but that wasn't the same thing. There was a time when Phil not talking to him would've made him anxious. There was a time before that where Phil doing anything made him anxious, but he had changed a lot since 18. Now almost everything made him anxious but Phil. He was a comforting presence. When everything else went to shit, Phil was the anchor in the storm. Of course there was downsides to this. If they were in public and Dan wanted the comforting feel of Phil's hand in his, it simply was not an option. He had been with Phil so long it was like they'd melded into one person. Dan wasn't certain of nearly anything, but he was pretty damn sure he had a "Phil Face" as he put it earlier. 

He was a different person before meeting Phil, that's for sure. However, he's also a different person than he was a year ago. How do you know if you've changed for yourself or for someone else if that person seems permanently attached to your non-existent soul. Dan had been so deep in thought that he would have ran into the bathroom wall if Phil hadn't pulled him out of the way. "Dan, are you okay?" Phil's voice rang through the house and it caught Dan off guard.

"I'm fine. Just need to sleep." Dan turned abruptly, walked through the doorway, and started stalking to his room. Phil followed him from a distance. When he got to his room Dan turned to Phil and said, "Go get those ridiculously soft pajamas on, I want cuddles." Phil just stared at him and cocked an eyebrow. Dan wasn't going to back down from this and he knew how to make Phil be nice to him. "I just wanna be comfy, baby," Dan whined. He felt a little silly and childish, but in any case the petname worked. Phil's expression softened and he went towards his room. Dan got in his own pajamas, standard plaid pants and an old oversized T-Shirt, and got in bed. He closed his eyes and waited for Phil to come join him. He could hear Phil's footsteps and felt the bed shifting under him. 

"Dan look at me," Phil's voice was soft but impossibly loud in this quiet space. Dan rolled over and opened his eyes drinking in the sight in front of him. Ha had done his best to not stare while they were filming, and he felt like this was a good reward. Phil exhaled and Dan's eyes shot up to his face. If Phil had caught him staring back before 2014 Dan would have thought it was the end of the world. Now it wasn't even slightly embarrassing, and he had caught Phil red handed a good amount of times as well. It was dark in the room but Phil was still seeable. His face was as easy for Dan to read as a book written for very dumb children. At this particular moment Phil's face was filled with concern and determination. A truly baffling combination if there ever was one. Phil spoke softly and careful when he said, "I'm still thinking about what you said earlier."

"Oh, yeah? What?" Dan's voice was equally as quiet and soft but much less careful. His brain was going a mile a minute trying to figure out what Phil was referencing. Did he say something that upset Phil? Was it from before or after the video? If it was from before why was Phil waiting until now to say something? His breaths were becoming more shallow and his pulse was quickening. Abruptly, he was pulled from his thoughts by Phil's hands around his torso pulling him closer to Phil. 

He laid his forehead against Dan's and whispered, "It's nothing bad, baby. I promise." Dan shut his eyes and let out a small sigh. "I was just thinking about when you said you feel like you don't have a personality. Like you have faces you put on." Dan tensed more, if that was possible, waiting for the ball to drop. "Were you talking about still being in the closet?" The question caught Dan off guard.

"No," Dan started, "I was thinking about us." He opened his eyes and saw that Phil looked confused. He closed his eyes again and started over. "I was thinking about how we grew up together and how we fused together in the process. We're not always together, but every moment I am with you seems to stamp my brain permanently and I used to want to impress you so much. What if I just grew into that 'Phil Face' instead of whoever I was supposed to be?" Phil's face softened and slowly broke into a smile.

"Dan, you are exactly who you're 'meant to be' not that such a thing exists. I know that we are a big part of each other and we think a lot of the same things, but we are different people. Do you think I would fall in love with a carbon copy of me? Hey, look at me please," Phil said this while gently tilting up Dan's head and Dan slowly opened his eyes. "I love you because you're not like me. You balance me out. We're not opposites, obviously, but that's what works for us. I love you baby. No matter how much we change your still my Dan. I want you to tell me when you feel like this, okay?" Dan nodded slowly and buried his head in the other's chest. Phil had complied and put on the insanely plush pajamas. He sighed into the shirt and tried to relax. Phil repositioned them to that he was on his back and Dan was lying with his legs entangled in Phil's and curled so that he could lay his head just under Phil's. They laid like that for a while just enjoying each others company.

When they had both had their fair share of reflecting Dan moved so that he was above Phil. He curved down to meet him and whispered, "Thank you, I love you." As if to prove his point he kissed Phil sweetly and softly. They both melted into it and stayed that way for a minute or so until Dan yawned and Phil pushed him off.

"It's time for us to sleep, Dan." Phil gently rolled him over and wrapped his hands around Dan's hips, twisting their legs together. It was Phil's turn to curl around Dan, now. He left a trail of soft kisses on the back of the younger's neck. He felt Dan relax completely and knew that this night would be a fond memory for both of them despite the exhaustion fueled anxiety. Together in spite of everything they'd gone through. Together because of everything they'd gone through.

**Author's Note:**

> I am soft and this concept wouldn't leave my brain


End file.
